Star Doctor Wars Who: I Am So Sorry
by FatherJackal
Summary: This terrible thing is a set of plot synopses for a Doctor Who/Star Wars crossover, over all 6 episodes. It's quite funny but contains far too many instances of CapsLock. Oh! And quite a lot of slashtastic smoochery.


Episode 1: The Fandom Menace

The Daleks are attacking Queen Amidala's Planet. TERROR

Jedi dude Qui-Gonn Jinn and Jedi bitch Obi-Wan Kenobi are sent to investigate

They are all like OH NOES IT ARE DALEKS

They fight some Daleks and it's pretty cool.

Queen Amidala and the Jedi leave the planet to go to the galactic senate so they can be like DUDES IT ARE DALEKS WHERE ARE ALL THE LAZORZ

Daleks contact their boss, The Master, and are all WHUT JEDI?

The Master is all BITCHES PLEASE IT ARE ALL PART OF THE PLAN.

Their ship breaks down on Tattoine, because it's a bit lame.

Anakin Skywalker is a 14-year-old mechanic who supports his family.

He offers to fix the ship if they'll take him to train as a jedi.

Obi-Wan is all BUT THE RULES and Qui-Gonn is all FUCK THE RULES

Anakin fixes the ship with his Sonic Screwdriver.

Anakin and Amidala flirt a bit

Lightsabers! Darth Maul shows up and fights a little. Awesome!

IN NO WAY DO R2-D2 AND C-3PO APPEAR

They all go to the Senate and meet up with Senator EvilPants who is in no way totally The Master.

The Senate is all DALEKS WHERE ARE YOUR ARMIES

The Daleks are all NOT FIGHTING JEDI DUDE WE WERE RELAXING

So they are all arguing and stuff.

Qui-Gonn goes to see the jedi council about Anakin and Anakin wins all the tests

Qui-Gonn is like SO HE'S PRETTY AWESOME HUH HUH HUH

Yoda is all A CRAZY ANGRY LITTLE FUCKER, ANAKIN IS

Qui-Gonn is all I CAN TOTALLY CALM HIM DOWN I'M LIAM NEESON

Obi-wan is all IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME ANY MORE THEN I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER

Yoda is all ALL CALM DOWN, YOU SHOULD.

Queen Amidala is all THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG WE SHOULD GO HOME.

Anakin and Amidala flirt even more

So they go back home to fight the Daleks.

They win. Booya!

Anakin and Amidala share a victory smooch

BUT WAIT

Lightsabers! Darth Maul kills Qui-Gonn.

Lightsabers! Obi-Wan is all MY BOYFRIEND NOOOOOOES

Lightsabers! Obi-wan kills Darth Maul WHUT HE WAS SO COOL

Qui-Gonn gets a funeral

Obi-wan is promoted to Jedi dude

Anakin is promoted to Jedi bitch

The Daleks are now all WE ARE EVIL BWA HA HA

Senator Evilpants/The Master makes a pyramid with his fingers like he has secret plans and shit

Episode 2: Attack of the CapsLock

The Daleks are now totally fighting everyone because they want to own everything

Senator Evilpants is in charge of army logistics but they don't have quite enough troops

He's all WE NEED CYBERMEN, SENATE DUDES

the Jedi are all CYBERMEN ARE ETHICALLY DUBIOUS

the Senate is all AWESOME CYBERMEN

Obi-Wan goes off to fetch the cybermen

Anakin is all AMIDALA WE HAVE FREE TIME FOR SMOOCHES

They have smooches

Yoda is all ABOUT YOUR TRAINING, DUDE WHAT

Anakin is awesome at training and puts on a lettered jacket or something

Back at the senate Senator Evilpants is all DUDES WE ARE BEING HAMMERED

the Senate is all WHUT WE HAS CYBERMEN NOW

Senator Evilpants is all CHRISTOPHER MOTHERFUCKING LEE IS LEADING THE DALEKS

the Senate is all FUCK and THAT'S PRETTY BAD

Anakin is all I HAD A PROPHETIC DREAM AND CHRISTOPHER LEE IS ON THAT PLANET

Obi-Wan is all STAY BEHIND ANAKIN

The Master is all ANAKIN IS AWESOME I DECREE THAT HE SHOULD GO

Obi-Wan is all AW FINE THEN

Off go the jedi and the clones

The planet looks a bit like Mars

There's a huge fight and it's pretty cool

back at the Senate The Master is killing off his political enemies while all the jedi are out

Christopher Lee gets cornered by Anakin and Obi-Wan and Yoda

He totally wins because dudes, Christopher Lee

Anakin has lost a hand

Obi-Wan has been totally stabbed in the chest

Yoda is CRIPPLED

Christopher Lee has a monologue and everyone in the audience weeps tears of joy

In the aftermath Anakin is getting surgery on his hand

Yoda is all CALL YOUR FAMILY, YOU SHOULD

Anakin is all FUCK MY FAMILY THEY ONLY EVER HELD ME BACK

Yoda is all ABOUT YOU BOINKING AMIDALA DUDE, WE ALL KNOW

Anakin is like TELL ANYONE AND I'LL KILL YOU

Anakin stalks off

Yoda goes GRRRRRR

Anakin and Amidala get married IN SECRET LIKE

Senator Evilpants declares himself chief of the Senate and grins evilly

Episode 3: Revenge of the Shit

The Cybermen Wars are going pretty well

The Daleks are like UM MASTER DUDE I DIDN'T THINK WE'D BE MASSACRED

The Master is all SUCK IT UP AND PRETEND TO KIDNAP ME

So they do

Lightsabers! Anakin is all DIE YOU FUCKING DALEK BIATCHES

Lightsabers! Obi-Wan is all BIATCHES? DUDE YOU COULD NOT BE WHITER

Lightsabers! Anakin fights Christopher Lee

Lightsabers! Christopher Lee cuts Anakin's Lightsaber in half

Lightsabers! Anakin disarms Christopher Lee by CHEATING

Lightsabers! Anakin takes Christopher Lee hostage with his own lightsaber

Christopher Lee becomes a hostage

BUT

nicks Anakin's Sonic Screwdriver in the process

He is put in Jedi Jail

Anakin is all I AM SICK OF BEING A JEDI BITCH

Obi-Wan is all WELL MAYBE IF YOU PUT OUT MORE

Anakin is all WHUT

Obi-Wan is all I'M JUST SAYING ALSO YOU SHOULD MAYBE GIVE UP THE RED SABER

Anakin is all NEVER and stalks off

Yoda is all TOO EMOTIONAL, HE IS

Obi-Wan is all SHOULD WE CALL HIM?

and Yoda is all IN TIMES OF THE DARKEST NEED, WE MAY CALL HIM ONLY

That was foreshadowing

Anakin is given charge of one of the Cybermen armies

Obi-Wan is all THAT'S NOT COOL, SENATOR EVILPANTS

The Master is all IT'S TOTALLY COOL, GO GET AMIDALA SAFE

Obi-Wan is all OH YEAH SHE'S PREGNANT AND STUFF

Lightsabers! There are war scenes and Anakin gets back

Anakin is all OBI-WAN AND AMIDALA WHUT

The Master is all DUDE I KNOW WHAT'S THAT ABOUT

Christopher Lee is all "Anakin, I could teach you to make her love you always"

Anakin is all NICE and starts listening to him

The Master kills a bunch of Jedi and is like CHRISTOPHER LEE IT IS TIME

Christopher Lee explains that he has to work out a way to kill all the Jedi

Anakin is like SET THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER TO 20 AND ACTIVATE IT

Christopher Lee does

the Screwdriver kills him NOOOOO CHRISTOPHER LEEEEEEEE

Yoda has been watching as has The Master

Yoda is all THE HELL, WHAT

Lightsabers! Anakin kills Yoda in a panic and is all OH NO OH NO OH NO

The Master is all YOU HAVE SET YOUR PATH

and Anakin is all I DON'T KNOW

the Master is all WHAT ABOUT AMIDALA AND OBI-WAN

The Master shows Anakin a current vid of Obi-Wan and Amidala

Anakin misreads friendly affection as romantic love

Anakin goes OH WHUT

Anakin calls Obi-Wan and says THIS IS YOUR FAULT

Obi-Wan is all I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU

Obi-Wan removes his jedi communicator in disgust

JUST IN TIME

Anakin uses the Sonic Screwdriver to give a lethal electric shock to anyone wearing one

The Master is all NICE ONE ANAKIN I AM THE MASTER

Anakin is all FUCK I DIDN'T GET OBI-WAN OR THAT LITTLE BITCH

Anakin flies off in a ship

The Master is all OH BY THE WAY I AM EMPEROR MASTER NOW

The Senate is like OKAY I GUESS

Anakin finds Obi-Wan and Amidala

He is all FUCK YOU BOTH

Amidala is all CALM DOWN LOVE

Anakin stabs her in the chest

Lightsabers! He fights Obi-Wan

Lightsabers! Obi-Wan wins by cutting off Anakin's legs and dropping him on a red-hot surface

Obi-Wan nicks the Sonic Screwdriver

Obi-Wan erases Anakin's childhood memory with the screwdriver

Obi-Wan escapes from Anakin with a dying Amidala

Amidala births the twins and dies of her injuries and the stress of childbirth

They go to Tattoine so the twins can be with their family

Obi-Wan sets up watch over the Twins and stares at the Sonic Screwdriver

The Master saves Anakin

He rebuilds him

Anakin sees his new form and says nothing but everything in the room shakes

All the surgeons die with blood pouring from their eyes

The Master is all GOOD ANAKIN NOW YOU WILL COMMAND MY CYBERMEN ARMIES

Anakin is all ANAKIN IS DEAD. I AM DARTH VADER.

Episode 4: A Suspiciously Familiar Hope

Leia is like a princess now on a ship

She is being totally run down by a big Empire ship or something OH NO

She leaves a message all OBI-WAN SHIIIIIIT on R2D2

R2 D2 is all BLEEEP

He and C3PO escape in an escape pod; all the escape pods are launched at once

most of them get shot down but R2D2 and C3PO are lucky and escape

The admiral is all CYBERMEN GO GET THEM THAR ESCAPIN DROIDS

Some Cybermen go; others fight the rebels

The Cybermen totally shoot up the rebel dudes

Darth Vader shows up after the fight is over; Diagnosis: LAZY

he's all like LEIA YOU HAVE BEEN STARTING A REBELLION AND STUFF

Leia is all WHUT PROVE IT

Darth Vader is all I'M DARTH VADER THAT'S ALL THE PROOF I NEED

Leia is all AW NUTS and gets taken prisoner

On Tattoine the robots land

C3PO is whiny

R2D2 does not care

they get taken prisoner by Jawas which are pretty cool

Luke is a whiny bitch who lives with his aunt and uncle

He's all I WANNA JOIN THE REBELLION

and his aunt and uncle are all NO DICE

and he's all AW NUTS

his uncle buys R2D2 and C3PO for some fuckin' reason

I mean what the hell does he need a protocol droid for

I know lame right?

Anyway he buys them

R2D2 is all BLEEEEP and plays his message for Luke

Luke is all LETS GO SEE OBI-WAN

So they go

Obi-Wan is like HMMMM YOU MIGHT BE JEDI MATERIAL AND YOU HAVE NICE LEGS

Luke is all OH ALEC GUINNESS YOU CAD YOU

Obi-Wan is like BUT PROBABLY NOT NOW OFF HOME WITH YOU

Luke is all AW NUTS and goes home

OH NO! Cybermen have killed his entire family to try and find the droids

and then mysteriously left

Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

get used to that

Obi-Wan is all I GUESS YOU'RE A JEDI BITCH NOW COME WITH ME

They go to a bar to find a pilot

Han Solo is there with Chewbacca

Han is all I'M A PILOT

Obi-Wan is like SWEET

Luke is all SO HAN YOU MUST WORK OUT I GUESS

Han is all WHAT THIS OLD THING? I GUESS I DO SOME PUSH-UPS ON OCCASION

And then shoots this dude who wanted to shoot him and it's pretty cool.

They get into Han's ship and off they fly to Leia's home planet

BUT

The death star is there and has destroyed the planet

Luke is all AW NUTS

The Death Star drags them all aboard

Obi-Wan is all I'LL GO DISABLE THE THING AND YOU GUYS GO RESCUE LEIA

so that's settled

Obi-Wan disables the thing

Luke and Han rescue Leia

They all meet up at the ship except oh no Darth Vader

Darth Vader is all OBI-WAN YOU LITTLE FUCK I KILL YOU

Obi-Wan is all *SIGH* FINE THEN

Darth Vader kills him

Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Han is all DAMN LUKE I GUESS YOU WERE PRETTY CLOSE

Luke is all I JUST WANT SOME COMPANY RIGHT NOW

Leia is all WELL I COULD-

Han is all I'VE GOT THIS LEIA HOW ABOUT YOU GO MAKE A SALAD OR SOME SHIT

They all go to the rebellion

the rebellion dude is like LET'S BLOW UP THE DEATH STAR

the rebels are like YEAH THAT SOUNDS COOL

Han is all I GOT MY MONEY TIME TO MAKE A MOVE

Luke is all WAIT WHAT DID LAST NIGHT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU

Han is all NOW COME ON YOU KNEW THE SCORE

Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Han leaves

the Rebels attack the Death Star

Darth Vader attacks the rebels

He's pretty good

Han comes back all I AM DISTRACTING VADER LUKE

Luke is all AW THANKS I KNEW YOU WERE NICE REALLY

Luke is all TIME TO DESTROY THE DEATH STAR

Obi-Wan's ghost is all DO IT JEDI-STYLE COME OOOOOOOOOON

Luke is like *SIGH* FINE THEN

He destroys the Death Star

Jedi-Style

There is a big ceremony and everyone gets medals

except Chewbacca

R2D2 is all BLEEEEP

Luke is presented with the sonic screwdriver and a note from Obi-Wan saying how to work it

Episode 5: The Empire Totally Wins

Mark Hamill crashes his motorcycle into a yeti

Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my face

Alex is all DAMN IT'S A LONG TIME SINCE I SAW THIS FILM

and DON'T EXPECT THIS TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THE FILM

and YOU SHOULD CONSIDER IT AN EXPERIMENTAL POEM OR SOME SHIT

Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So Luke is all GOTTA GO WORK THIS SCREWDRIVER THING OVER HERE

and Han is like SURE THING DUDE I HAD PLANS ANYWAY WHATEVER

And Luke is all JESUS IT'S WORK WHY YOU ALWAYS SO CRANKY IN THE MORNING

And Han is like LET'S GO AND SEE LANDO

So off they all go

Oh wait

there was a big fight with the giant robot laser elephant things?

I guess the rebels won

anyway

So Luke is on... Dagoban? Some planet with a swamp

And he's all working the screwdriver

and suddenly

WHAAAAAOOOOM

WHAAAAAOOOOM

WHAAAAAOOOOM

And it's the fucking TARDIS

that's right

And David Tennant's Doctor Who comes out

of the TARDIS not the closet

fuck you big gay russell

And he's all HELLO WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM

Luke is all I NEED TRAINING (in the physical art of love)

the Doctor's all OH AS A JEDI NO WORRIES THE FORCE IS PRETTY GOOD

and then all WAIT WHAT WAS THAT LAST BIT?

Luke's all *sigh* NOTHING

so he gets trained by the Doctor

they go off to meet up with the others

So Han et al. go to meet Lando

Lando's all CHECK OUT MY BOOTS AND CAPE I AM ONE FASHIONABLE DUDE

Han's all LOOK LANDO I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT BUT UM

and Lando's all OH YOU DID NOT HOOK UP WITH SOME SKINNY WHITE BOY AFTER GIVING ME A PROMISE RING

and Han's like SO.... FUNNY STORY

And Leia's all NICE ONE HAN YOU SUCK

and Lando's all FUCK YOU ALL! I'M CALLING VADER

and all AT LEAST HE PICKS UP THE BILL ON OCCASION

and Han's all WAIT!

and then all OH I HAVE NO LEG TO STAND ON

and Vader shows up and is all HOLLA! HEY HAN CATCH THIS FROZEN CARBONITE

And Han's all LEIA! TELL LUKE HE NEEDS TO WORK ON HIS ABS

then he gets frozen

DAMN

And Leia gets put in jail again

oh, and the droids are there

R2-D2 goes BLEEEEP

So Luke and the Doctor show up

And the Doctor's all WHOOPS, VADER

and then all LUKE I'LL DISTRACT THE STORM TROOPERS AND GO FETCH LEIA

so off they go

and the Doctor's all HEY STORM TROOPERS I KNOW LANDO HAS CANDY

and the storm troopers all go OOOOOOOOOOOO and run off

the Doctor rescues Leia

from a LACK OF SMOOCHES

and also from the jail

and off they go

So, Luke and Vader are all ANGRY EYES GRRRRR at each other

and Vader is all YOU SUCK LUKE SEE I'LL PROVE IT

Lightsabers! and cuts his hand off

and Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

and Vader is all ALSO I AM YOUR FATHER

and NOW I HAVE CRIPPLED YOU BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY

and I ROCK

and Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

and falls and the Tardis picks him up

and everyone's all OH DAMN

Episode 6: Return Of The Man-Love

So everyone is not exactly at their best

Except Luke totally has this sweet new robot hand

and he's all CHECK OUT THE SWEET NEW ROBOT HAND DUDES

and everyone doesn't care

or mention it for the rest of the movie

and Luke is all WELL FUCK YOU IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME ANYWAY

Anyway everyone else is all going to save Han Solo from Davros the Hutt

'cause Davros has bought him from the empire

DELETED SCENE: Darth Vader rips some dude a new sucking chest wound for flat selling prisoners on for a profit

all THAT IS NOT HOW WE DO THINGS YOU TIT

END DELETED SCENE

So anyway the Doctor and Leia show up at Davros' palace

Leia's all LOOK DUDE I TOTALLY CAUGHT THE DOCTOR

and Davros is all NICE ONE

and HE WILL BE A FINE ADDITION TO MY HAREM

that's a bit weird

but then you see Han in a GOLD BIKINI all UH HI GUYS

and SO IT IS NOT SO GREAT BEING IN THIS HAREM, NO JOKE

and Davros is all WAIT, YOU KNOW THESE GUYS?

and Han is all SURE THING

And the Doctor is all NICE ONE, IDIOT

and then Leia just goes YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK IT

and shoots Davros with a knife-gun-thing

and the Doctor is all WE SHOULDN'T KILL BUT THAT WAS PRETTY COOL

and SMOOCHES?

so SMOOCHES

with LEIA, you jerks, the Doc ain't into Han that way

although

GOLD BIKINI

I mean, maybe-

NO

DEFINITELY Leia.

So whatevs, they nick off with Han in the Tardis

and Leia's all SO, UH, YOU CAN MAYBE WEAR SOMETHING ELSE?

and Han's all NO WAY HONEY WAIT UNTIL LUKE SEES THIS

and IT WILL GET ME, LIKE, A MONTH OF PLAY

and the Doctor is VERY BUSY with the instruments

and not regretting helping these people at all

no sir

So anyway they meet up with Luke

and he's all HI GUYS COOL ROBOT HAND HUH I KNOW RIGHT

no-one cares

everyone's thinking of a plan

and Leia goes UM WELL THEY ARE BULDING A NEW DEATH STAR WE SHOULD STOP IT

and Han goes HEY I HAVE AN IDEA LET'S DO THAT!

and everyone's all GOOD IDEA HAN

and Leia's all STUPID HAN GRUMBLEGRUMBLE

So they decide to do that

and it turns out that the Death Star is being built around Endor

and Han is all SO UH DO WE HAVE TO STOP IT BEFORE IT FIRES

and I'M JUST SAYING, NO-ONE LOVES AN EWOK

and the Doctor is all NO, HAN, WE MUST SAVE LIVES

and EVEN SHITTY WALKING TEDDY BEAR LIVES

so they decide that's a good plan.

Luke and Han and Leia are going to go down to the surface and disable the shields

the Doctor is going to go and attack the Master all FULL ON

Lando is going to fly the Millenium Falcon

WAIT WHAT

Han is like, NO WAY LANDO YOU WILL SCRATCH MY BABY

Luke is all UH, THAT SHIP SAILED WHILE YOU WERE FROZEN DUDE

Han is all WHAT

Luke is all I HAVE NEEDS, HAN, AND LANDO IS A NICE GUY

Han is all WHAAAAT

Lando is all AW YEAH I SCRATCHED UP YOUR BABY REAL GOOD

Luke is all *GIGGLES*

Han is all WHAAAAAAAAAAT

but anyway Lando will fly the Millenium falcon and save the day.

So they go off!

The Ewoks are all SO WE WILL MAKE CUTE TRAPS OUT OF LOGS

and Leia's all CAN THAT SHIT, HERE ARE LAZOR GUNZ

and the Ewoks are all AW YISS

they fucking love their lazor gunz

so those guys storm the shield generators

and it's working except the cybermen take Luke hostage

and Luke's all SAVE ME!

and Han is all MAYBE YOU CAN GET LANDO TO SAVE YOU

and Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

so he gets kidnapped

but the other dudes turn off the shields

and then have a relaxed smoke while they wait half an hour for the film to finish

all gettin' their party on, 'cause either way their job is done.

In space: IT'S A TRAP!

Thankyou Admiral Ackbar, back in yer box

You did good, kid

anyway, Lando is having a rough time

the Death Star is shooting shit up

Lando is all GAH THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNCTIONAL

and the Master is all YOU LOSERS

but Luke is brought up to the throne room just as the Doctor gets there

and the Master is all CHECK IT I TOTALLY STOLE YOUR BOYFRIEND

and the Doctor is all ACTUALLY WE ARE JUST GOOD FRIENDS

and the Master is all AW NUTS

and SO LUKE WANNA WORK FOR ME?

Luke goes IF I DO CAN I HAVE MY LIGHTSABER BACK?

the Master is like UH SURE

and gives him it

Luke is all SUCKA! and tries to lightsaber the Master

Lightsabers! Darth Vader is all UH NO and fights Luke

The Doctor and the Master glare at each other

HOTT

The Master gets up and is all SO MY PLAN COMES TO FRUITION

Lightsabers! Luke totes wins

The Master is all KILL HIM LUKE

Luke is all UH NO

and the Master is like DO IIIIT

and Luke is all UH MAYBE

the Doctor runs to Darth Vader and is all HE'S DYING ANYWAY LUKE

And Luke's all YOU MADE ME KILL MY DAD YOU BASTARD

and Lightsabers the Master

and then the Doctor is all HA ONLY JOKING HE'S FINE

and Darth Vader is all FINE LIGHTSABERING THERE, M'BOY

and asks the Doctor and Luke to get a ship together so they can leave

But pockets the Sonic Screwdriver when they do

and then he activates like 5 things on his armour

and ejects the screwdriver towards Endor in a capsule

He sits in the Emperor's throne

and you can hear his machinery dying down

until it's just his laboured breathing

and then he dies

NOBLE

so anyway Luke and the Doctor get away in a ship

Lando blows up the Death Star, all CHECK IT OUT DUDES

Dudes check it out

it's pretty good

So there's a big party on Endor

and Luke is all SO UH HAN

and Han is all SO UH LUKE

and they are embarrassed

and then they smooch

Everyone cheers

Oh yeah the robots were here, they did shit

R2-D2 bleeped

C3PO was all nervous and polite

But anyway Leia is looking for the Doctor

and finds him retreiving his screwdriver

THAT IS NOT A EUPHEMISM

and He's all HEY WANNA COME SEE EVERYTHING?

and she's all OKAY!

they smooch

IT'S SMOOCHIN' TIMES, PEOPLE

and they leave in the Tardis and everyone waves goodbye

Chewbacca still does not get a medal


End file.
